I Tried Trump’s COVID Cocktail So You Don’t Have To

Image by Isabella Schlact

When I heard that President Trump was getting a special cocktail of antibody treatments, vitamins, and prescription drugs, I was excited to try it out for myself. I’m a self-proclaimed Pinterest Addict, and I just love DIY!

I should note that I don’t actually have the coronavirus. I’m mainly doing this to get attention and to feel a rush, given that I’ve been emotionally numb since March. So let’s get started babes!

What I like most about this recipe is that it’s made from ingredients that are super accessible. Most of this stuff was already in my kitchen, but I had the rest delivered via InstaCart. In the words of that one lady from the Food Network, “How easy is that?”

Ingredients:

  • 1 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke
  • 1 full SOLO cup of good vodka
  • 1 jar of Nature Made melatonin gummies
  • 17 packets of Emergen-C Kidz vitamin C drink mix
  • 36 Flintstones vitamins, ground to powder
  • 4 tablets of Dexamethasone, ground to powder (If you can’t make it yourself, then store-bought is fine.)
  • 1 IV drip of Remdesivir mixed with monoclonal antibody cocktail that was tested on fetal tissue
  • 1 KFC bucket (sans the chicken)

Instructions:

  1. Melt melatonin gummies over medium heat in a small saucepan. Stir with a wooden spoon until gummies are liquified–about 20 minutes.
  2. While gummies are melting, combine Diet Coke, vodka, Emergen-C drink mix, Flintstones vitamin dust, and Dexamethasone in the KFC bucket. 
  3. Pour the melted melatonin gummy mixture into the KFC bucket. Stir to combine.
  4. Inject your left arm to hook up the IV drip. If you have a fear of needles, look away and just pray you stick a vein.
  5. Drink the entire KFC bucket mixture. Magic should happen in approximately 45 minutes.

How It Went:

I decided to keep a periodic log of how I felt after trying the recipe. Be sure to comment and post photos of how the recipe turned out for you!

At 45 minutes: I’m not feeling anything. I’m not sure if this works.

46 minutes: This is lame. All I am is bloated.

47 minutes: Wow wow wow I am seeing a lot of colors at once. 

60 minutes: My hands look kinda weird. Don’t you think they look kinda weird? 

70 minutes: Ok, so my hands are just giant heads of kale at the ends of my arms. My walls are also tie-dye. How did I not notice this before???

90 minutes: COLORS ARE EVERYWHERE! RUSSIAN POP STAR VITAS IS SINGING TO ME! I AM VITAS! HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA! 

2 hours: I HAVE UNPARALLELED STRENGTH! I CAN LIFT MY HOUSE AND BALANCE IT IN THE AIR WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS THAT ARE NO LONGER HEADS OF KALE BUT ROBOTIC CLAWS! HYYYAAHHH!!

3 hours: Wait…I’m suddenly remembering that Jessica never posted our brunch photos from February. The audacity. The nerve. The gall. Who the HELL does Jessica think she is? Where the HELL does she get off? Who GAVE her the RIGHT to ACT like SHE is TOO GOOD for ME! AHHH!!! I’M PUNCHING THE WALL AND IT’S YOUR FAULT JESSICA!!!!! YOUR FAULT!!!

4 hours: I keep seeing the face of MSNBC’s Chuck Todd floating in front of me. He won’t leave. His floating head is just calmly staring at me. Maybe he’s going to kill me. Maybe I should hide. I may or may not go hide in the shower. CHUCK TODD IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I AM NOT IN THE SHOWER.


5 hours: Think I’ll go to bed now. Night, lovelies.

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