“ENOUGH OF THE FUCKING BULLSHIT!”
The shouts of Greg Harris, a managing director in the investment banking division of Goldman Sachs, rang throughout the 87th floor of their Manhattan office building.
On the other end of this merciless rant? Wharton junior and Goldman applicant Tim Edwards. According to Edwards’ cover letter, his unwavering desire to learn financial modeling inspired him to apply for the analyst position. Fortunately, the disastrous zoom interview was captured and accidentally shared with the Punch Bowl
by Edwards, who originally intended to share the interview questions with his fraternity brothers.
The transcript goes as follows:
Mr. H: So Tim, why do you want to work in IB [investment banking] and specifically with our practice?
E: Well, I’ve always had an interest in finance, and I’d love to apply what I’ve learned in the classroom to help Goldman restructure debt.
Mr. H: Hey Tim… Do I look like a fucking dumbass to you?
E: …Uh I-
Mr. H: Shut your mouth. Tell me… why the fuck do you want to work here.
E: Well I just feel like Goldman’s tight-knit, collegial culture lends itself to my easy-going, yet ambitious character.
[At this point in the interview, Mr. Harris shifts to the bottom of the zoom frame, appearing to be on his knees as he pleads]
Mr. H: You’re a pathological liar so you’ll fit right in, but please, just tell me honestly, why in god’s name you are interested in debt restructuring. I’ll tell you what, just tell me it’s for the money and I’ll give you the job this goddamn second.
After being provided with this enlightening transcript, the Punch Bowl had not choice but do a deep dive into this exchange. According to Mr. Harris’ unfazed and supportive colleagues, these verbal assaults are part of the day-to-day vernacular, or as one put it, “technical jargon,” of IB practice.
One Principal at the firm stated, “Yeah, I don’t know how Greg does it. We work 100 hours a week on literally the most boring shit. I’m so overworked; I don’t even have the energy anymore to fuck my own wife. Imagine having some undergraduate prick come in and tell you that he actually wants to do what we do. Just thinking about it now, I want to break the kid’s nose.”
Another associate added, “Whenever one of these arrogant new hires posts their acceptance on LinkedIn, I do everything in my power to make their life miserable.”
Seeing that Edwards wants a career in IB So badly, it is fitting that he is a natural at spewing shit.