CPAC Statues that Didn’t Make the Cut

Last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) had it all: a national anthem sung in many different keys (at once?), a catchy title (America Uncanceled!), a stage the shape of an SS insignia, and some really compelling jokes by a sun-kissed Sen. Ted Cruz (at least he’s getting kissed by a sun, if not his daughter). My favorite joke from Flubber’s racist uncle was: “How many leftists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” Answer: “THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”

But who was the real star of the shitshow? The Golden Trump. And no, I’m not just making a comment on the state of the former President’s epidermis. I’m talking about the “literally priceless” golden statue of Trump in shorts and flipflops holding some kind of fairy wand and the preamble to the Constitution. Obviously, there is some artistic liberty at play: the statue features Trump holding a piece of writing although he cannot read.

The statue is absolutely breathtaking (as in, I would never be able to breathe again if I were to see it in person). However, the Punchbowl just received exclusive access to the statue concepts that didn’t quite make the cut. Here they are:

The Bible. Some activists wanted a large statue of the New Testament to welcome convention-goers and remind them the essential truth of this country: that it was founded by and for Christians. However, this idea was struck down faster than Sodom and Gomorrah when CPAC organizers realized the protagonist is a Middle Eastern Jew who spews socialist propaganda like “feed the poor.”

Ann Coulter. Apparently, one organizer suggested using a statue to honor conservative pundit, author, and literal Nazi defender Ann Coulter. Unfortunately, farmers objected, expressing discomfort at the thought of leaving their fields unattended.

Melania in her “I Really Don’t Care, do You?” Jacket. There was talk about constructing a statue of the former First Lady in her iconic, unironic “I Really Don’t Care” jacket, but this idea was trashed because organizers didn’t want to remind religious conservatives about her remarks about Christmas.

A HATE statue. One proposed design featured the word HATE realized in the style of the Philadelphia LOVE statue. CPAC organizers found that to be a little too on the nose. “Yeah, we might be hateful, but that doesn’t mean our art has to lack nuance.”

A Cage. The last design idea was a cage, like the ones the Trump administration kept children in. This statue had the added bonus of being interactive: convention-goers would have been able to go inside and take photos. This idea was vetoed because Stephen Miller won the design contest a couple years ago, and organizers wanted to give someone else a chance.

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