My New and Original Admissions Consulting Business!

Hey! I know what you’re thinking. Oh great, another Ivy League student, using their limited clout to “advise” students on their college apps, or “tutor” them through SAT subject tests? And yes, I do offer those services. Contact me at elitecollegeonly@hotmail.com for pricing details. 

But also, no. My admissions consulting business, NEO, promises to completely revolutionize the college prep experience. These days, with college admission rates at an all-time low, parents are sending their kids to college prep services at younger and younger ages. But, no service thus far has tapped into the neonatal market. 

At NEO, my services include, but are not limited to: 

  • Reading ‘The Art of the Deal’ to your fetus. ($200/hour) 
  • Reading ‘The Art of the Deal’ in French to your fetus. ($250/hour)
  • Playing all the classical music from University Challenge, from the years 1960-2020. Opera pieces optional, jazz pieces excluded, obviously. ($100/hour) 
  • Volunteering for community service in your future child’s name. ($500/hour)
  • Explaining AP Calc AB and BC to your fetus, complete with relevant diagrams. ($200/hour) 
  • Creating preemptive class president election flyers for your child. ($100/hour)
  • Feeding you terrifying statistics about the diminishing college acceptance rate to you weekly, thereby encouraging you to put too much pressure on your child, thereby giving them enough trauma to talk about in their common app. ($20/week, free with purchase of above services)
  • A step by step demonstration of all four swimming strokes || Athlete track ($50/hour)

Contact now before spaces fill up! If you’re chilling, you’re killing (your future), xoxo!

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