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How To Use The New High Rise Card Readers

How To Use The New High Rise Card Readers

Recently, the high rises have switched to a new gate entry system, sparking confusion and fear in these uncertain times. Luckily, guest columnist Tristrum Tuttle is here with a handy how-to guide for the new card readers: Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN. Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it … Continue reading

QUIZ: Are you a Westworld Host?

QUIZ: Are you a Westworld Host?

QUIZ: Are You a Westworld Host? Sum up your answers and find out! Do you know where you are? (1)    I’m in a dream. (2)    I think I’m at a desert where you have sex with robots, right? Why are you being so weird right now? I’m paying a lot of money for this. Have … Continue reading

Secret Wharton Club EXPOSED!!

Secret Wharton Club EXPOSED!!

Everyone wonders about the men in suits we all see in Wharton. Where are they going? Is that Armani? Do they have an interview? Wait jk is that Joseph A Bank lol? Why are they better than me? Well I am here to say that I finally have the answers to all of these questions. … Continue reading

BREAKING: There’s Still a Chance…

BREAKING: There’s Still a Chance…

That for the next 108 years the Chicago Cubs will win ALL the World Series Championships That Kanye’s debt coerces him to perform at Spring Fling 2017 That Brangelina will reunite and balance will restore in the Republic That Sanjaya Malakar will one day win American Idol That Apple will remove the Stocks app from … Continue reading

Trump strikes liberal tone following meeting with Obama

Trump strikes liberal tone following meeting with Obama

Following the traditional transfer-of-power meeting with President Barack Obama Thursday, President-elect Donald J. Trump came away with a policy vision standing in stark contrast to his campaign message. “I had a fabulous meeting with President Obama today,” Trump said to reporters following the session. “He has some great ideas. The best.” “We’re going to take … Continue reading

“Soak up the Sun” Singer Calls for Shorter Elections, Public Confused

“Soak up the Sun” Singer Calls for Shorter Elections, Public Confused

Last week Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter and, according to Wikipedia, “actress” Sheryl Crow, started a Change.com petition calling for a shorter election cycle.  Crow, fed up with the current election, has ostensibly taken inspiration from international political systems like that of Canada—whose last election lasted just under three months—as potential models for the U.S. After collectively … Continue reading

Which Debate Participant are You?

Which Debate Participant are You?

How often do you wear red sweaters? Every day *has never actually worn a red sweater* Depends, but I always keep one with me in case I rip my other suits Only when I land on them Never, but I will beat ISIS Do you have a mustache? No, but I have always supported mustaches … Continue reading

The 2016 Election’s Media Double-Standard

The 2016 Election’s Media Double-Standard

One thing that’s really been irking me this election cycle has been the incredible double-standard afforded to different people. The media as well as everyday citizens have been complicit, but I would like to do my part to address it now. Under pressure from the Hillary Clinton campaign and media outlets, Donald Trump has waffled … Continue reading

Tim Kaine Scores 3 on AP Spanish Language Exam

Tim Kaine Scores 3 on AP Spanish Language Exam

Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate Tim Kaine has recently come under scrutiny for his Spanish language skills.  While Kaine memorably began his first public speech as the Vice Presidential nominee with a call for unity in Spanish—having picked up the language while working with missionaries in Honduras—according to the College Board, Kaine may be lacking. A … Continue reading

The Punch Bowl’s Guide To Being Green

The Punch Bowl’s Guide To Being Green

Do you care about the environment? Are you a sucker for sustainability? Just looking to garner insincere praise from your peers? Then this guide is for you! Read on to learn more about how you can help conserve our planet’s vital resources. Take the trash chute instead of the elevator Elevators are a huge waste … Continue reading

Gary Johnson Books Family Vacation to Aleppo

Gary Johnson Books Family Vacation to Aleppo

In recent days, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson has been slammed for an embarrassing moment in an interview where he had no clue what the Syrian city of Aleppo was. Determined not to repeat his embarrassment over a lack of knowledge about Aleppo, he has spent the last few days reading up on the Syrian … Continue reading