Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Vatican Considering Recognizing B.o.B as a Saint

Official Punch Bowl Vatican correspondent Daniel Loud has the latest on the B.o.B. flat earth expose. This Wednesday, several Vatican officials confirmed that there have been talks about calling a tribunal to discuss canonizing rapper B.o.B into sainthood, following his ardent defense of the fact that the Earth is flat. B.o.B.’s comments have rekindled long-dormant … Continue reading

Thanksgiving Haikus

Thanksgiving Haikus

Thanksgiving tidings Getting drunk with high school “friends” Thank God I got out Wore a wool sweater. Ate a wool sweater. I tripped Balls with my uncle. Thank you Bill Cosby This turkey makes me tired ZZZ ZzZ zzz zzz Zzz I know I gained weight. You’ve never used a treadmill too. Fuck you Grandma … Continue reading

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE

Freshman guest columnist Scott Rubenstein would like you to know to stop sending him so many goddamned emails!  “Please tell our university why you would like to unsubscribe from emails from the Kalamazoo School of Masonry.” Really? You really want to know why? Where do I even begin? For starters, I’M ALREADY ENROLLED IN ANOTHER … Continue reading

Das Sweatshirt

Das Sweatshirt

The recent distribution of Penn Class of 2017 sweaters has caused an eruption of violent struggle on Penn’s campus. While many of the tensions between juniors and seniors have long remained dormant, the ’17 sweaters have become a flagrant knitwear-based protest against the alleged tyranny of the Class of 2016.  Questions regarding control over the … Continue reading

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Following a series of strong debate performances and sold-out rallies in early primary states, Republican Presidential candidate Dennis Hastert has extended his lead in the 2016 GOP primary according to several newly released polls. Three surveys, which canvassed likely voters in New Hampshire, Iowa, and South Carolina, show the former Speaker of the House with … Continue reading

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Freshman guest columnist Celine Cumming with the news. Last week, the universe sent a miracle. After years of bated breath, it has finally happened: Adele has dropped a new single. As expected, it has rocked the world. It is the type of song that has people all over Craigslist trying to connect to that decently attractive … Continue reading

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

After the hashtag #BoycottStarWarsVII trended last week, director J.J. Abrams announced the cancellation of the Star Wars franchise. “Effective immediately, the release of any new Star Wars content has been postponed indefinitely. This includes the upcoming film, as well as the video game Star Wars Battlefront.” While Abrams did not comment on the availability of … Continue reading

The Punch Bowl Guide to Beer

The Punch Bowl Guide to Beer

Beer seems to be all the rage these days. Between IPA’s, microbrews, “hops,” 40’s, and how to find the stupid bubble at the bottom of the can when you’re shotgunning, beer seems to be getting more and more complex by the second. That’s why Punch Bowl decided to consult its expert team of brewers to … Continue reading

Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Freshman reporter Jonah Arnheim with the latest in mathematical news. PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area man Eric Warren reveals his unique ability to find the size of any two dimensional shape, no matter the length or height. “Circles, rectangles, triangles, parallelograms, trapezoids, ellipses, pentagons, hexagons, heptagons, octagons, nonagons, decagons (regular and irregular), hendecagons, dodecagons, triskaidecagons, tetrakaidecagons, … Continue reading