Das Sweatshirt

Das Sweatshirt

The recent distribution of Penn Class of 2017 sweaters has caused an eruption of violent struggle on Penn’s campus. While many of the tensions between juniors and seniors have long remained dormant, the ’17 sweaters have become a flagrant knitwear-based protest against the alleged tyranny of the Class of 2016.  Questions regarding control over the … Continue reading

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Dennis Hastert Extends Lead in GOP Polls

Following a series of strong debate performances and sold-out rallies in early primary states, Republican Presidential candidate Dennis Hastert has extended his lead in the 2016 GOP primary according to several newly released polls. Three surveys, which canvassed likely voters in New Hampshire, Iowa, and South Carolina, show the former Speaker of the House with … Continue reading

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Adele to Receive an Early Grammy

Freshman guest columnist Celine Cumming with the news. Last week, the universe sent a miracle. After years of bated breath, it has finally happened: Adele has dropped a new single. As expected, it has rocked the world. It is the type of song that has people all over Craigslist trying to connect to that decently attractive … Continue reading

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

Star Wars Has Been Cancelled

After the hashtag #BoycottStarWarsVII trended last week, director J.J. Abrams announced the cancellation of the Star Wars franchise. “Effective immediately, the release of any new Star Wars content has been postponed indefinitely. This includes the upcoming film, as well as the video game Star Wars Battlefront.” While Abrams did not comment on the availability of … Continue reading

The Punch Bowl Guide to Beer

The Punch Bowl Guide to Beer

Beer seems to be all the rage these days. Between IPA’s, microbrews, “hops,” 40’s, and how to find the stupid bubble at the bottom of the can when you’re shotgunning, beer seems to be getting more and more complex by the second. That’s why Punch Bowl decided to consult its expert team of brewers to … Continue reading

Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Area Man Can Find the Size of Any Two-Dimensional Shape

Freshman reporter Jonah Arnheim with the latest in mathematical news. PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area man Eric Warren reveals his unique ability to find the size of any two dimensional shape, no matter the length or height. “Circles, rectangles, triangles, parallelograms, trapezoids, ellipses, pentagons, hexagons, heptagons, octagons, nonagons, decagons (regular and irregular), hendecagons, dodecagons, triskaidecagons, tetrakaidecagons, … Continue reading

A Farewell to Patience

A Farewell to Patience

Punch Bowl columnist Mike Coyne takes us inside of the mind of a college student who just can’t take that one kid in class anymore. Goodness me, this is like the seventh time you’re raising your hand today. Listen, I’ve seen your hand go up to answer more times than my mom’s during an episode of … Continue reading

Hells Angels Colonizing on Penn’s Campus

Hells Angels Colonizing on Penn’s Campus

Freshman Punch Bowl contributor Ezra Brooks weighs in on Penn’s newest gang.  By now we’ve all seen them. You know who I’m talking about. The people you know you shouldn’t judge based solely on appearance because Humans of New York says they’ve got backstories that are super deep, but you are totally going to judge by … Continue reading

God Still Undecided On Which NFL QB He Loves Best

God Still Undecided On Which NFL QB He Loves Best

Pearly Gates, HEAVEN — It’s no secret that this year has been especially unkind to pious players in the NFL. Tim Tebow rose again on the third day of training camp only to be re-crucified by Chip Kelly’s 2 AM drunk Madden coaching tactics. All three Redskins quarterbacks, all of whom are outspoken Christians, are either injured or … Continue reading

Thousands Still in Line Waiting to see Pope Francis

Thousands Still in Line Waiting to see Pope Francis

Punch Bowl sophomore Daniel Loud and his team of faithful reporters has the story on this week’s fiercest band of Philadelphia zealots. This past Sunday evening, Pope Francis boarded a plane from Philadelphia and returned to the Vatican in Rome after saying a beautiful mass at the World Gathering of Families on the Benjamin Franklin Parkway. Attendance at … Continue reading

OCR Translations

OCR Translations

Selling yourself can be hard; sometimes you just haven’t picked the right pictures for your Tinder profile. When it comes to OCR, your physical appearance is still probably extremely important because that’s how the world works, but selling your major is the really tricky part (we’re looking at you Arts & Sciences). Thankfully, Punch Bowl … Continue reading