Freshman Jonathan Calles knows what you’re thinking. No, he doesn’t have ESP but is just a great guesser. With his first guest submission he utilizes this gift to give you the scoop on what your fellow classmates are pondering during class….
It’s that wonderful time of year again. Students frolic across Locust Walk. Birds chirp from atop Dr. Gutmann’s two tiered playgirl mansion. And, best of all, classes are starting. Yes friends, it’s time once again to dust off your monogramed pocket protectors and TI-89s and plunge into the fray.
For those of you who are currently sitting through the most absolutely, mind-numbingly boring class of your life, pushed to some lecture-induced nihilism forcing you to question the importance of your very existence, don’t fret. Our crack team of hardcore journalists here at Punch Bowl have painstakingly documented the thoughts of tortured lecturees over the years. Distract yourself for a little while. Laugh at their misery.Go on, you won’t miss anything important. She won’t cover anything on the midterm while you read this. I promise.
“I’ve refreshed Reddit 3 times in the last 10 seconds. I’ve already gone through 7 pages of purple links just praying for something new to come up. And we’re STILL on this question?! It’s Napoleon dammit! Those keg-standing frat boys from Delta Tau knew that yesterday. Plastered. Upside down.”
“Please, for the love of God! Sweet Allah, Jehovah, Whoopie Goldberg, whatever Tom Cruise prays to at night! Oh glorious science! Oh, Zeus on high! Oh Korean Jesus! Please teach Professor Zhang to speak English!”
“Look at Mr. O’Leary’s mustache. That thing looks like he hit a squirrel with a bike on his way to class and duct tapped it to his upper lip. Any moment know it’s gonna just jump right off his face. And the way it kinda jiggles when he talks is really disturbing. What class is this anyway?”
“I can’t believe this. Prof literally just told us, ‘So today we’re gonna talk about perimeter and area, but before that let’s redefine the space time continuum as we know it’.”
“This room is pretty packed. I bet I could just let one rip and no one would know it was me.”
“Omg, like, Jenny hasn’t tweeted in the past 15 minutes. I hope she’s ok. Maybe she got mugged or something. Or maybe she’s on a date with Brad. But Brad likes me. We’ve been talking for, like, 2 weeks now. That bitch! Omg now you decide to tweet. Well screw you Jenny, you man-stealing bitch! Oh wait, she just came back from the gym. Haha you’re so funny! Oh Jenny, why are you so deep?”
“How awesome would it be if someone just shut this cross-eyed gimp up? I mean, right in the middle of his lecture. I really want to walk down the aisle to the front of the class and slap his shit. Or maybe Kanye West could just interrupt his droning. I actually like Kanye more than my professor. Am I a bad person?”
“Day 17: The natives still accept me as one of their own, however our relationship is becoming strained. These daily gatherings are becoming difficult to bear. Their chieftain is far too much to handle. He just goes on and on and on about a deity of theirs, Shakespeare I think they called him. I see no way out of this situation and my supplies are running low. I need access to a Wawa.”
“This girl right next to me just ripped one. She’s got this smirk on her face like she thinks nobody knows, but damn was that thing loud! I’m surprised O’Leary’s squirrel ‘stache didn’t just scurry off right there.”