New College House West Funded by Students Too Lazy to Look for Off-Campus Housing

By now, you have probably heard that a NEW New College House will be built on one of Penn’s last green spaces and that sophomores will be required to live on campus. You probably assumed that this was some scheme cooked up by Amy Gutmann to milk more money from Penn parents, but you’d be wrong. The construction of New College House was funded entirely by freshmen students who are too lazy to look for off-campus housing. The committee of students who spearheaded the fundraising call themselves the Association of Students Surprised by Having Options to Live Elsewhere (Besides on Campus). They are affectionately known as “Asshole” by their peers, especially their peers interested in sustaining campus Greek Life.

We interviewed these ASSHOLEs for this article. Camryn Brown, the leader of the group explained her thought process. “Yeah, so like at first living off campus seems like a really good idea, but when you get into the housing process, you find that it’s really too much work. Like, you have to find people to live with you, you have to do a cost analysis to see if its cheaper than living in a dorm room, and it’s harder to get to my classes. You guys are really over-estimating my ability to get myself to class in the morning.”

When asked why it was necessary that a new dorm building be built because there is certainly no shortage of on-campus housing, Alexa Smith spoke up. “So, obviously Penn doesn’t have great housing options. I mean there’s mold in the quad and mice in the high rises. It is also currently very expensive. While moving off-campus may solve some of these problems, it certainly will not solve all of them. Building a newer building is guaranteed to improve the quality of housing and lower the cost for students.”

Alexa declined to comment when pressed on how, exactly, the new building would accomplish any of this.

Stop blaming Amy Gutmann, and start blaming your peers. Be a little bit more wary of who you Venmo. We were told that much of the fundraising was accomplished using the popular application. The ASSHOLEs would simply overcharge their friends for whatever they needed via Venmo, and put the profits into the construction fund.

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